


Five times Gerald the alpaca was a menace...

by frostysunflowers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Precious Peter Parker, Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, gerald is a little shit, gerald loves peter the most, gerald loves tony, in his own way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 19:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20031412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostysunflowers/pseuds/frostysunflowers
Summary: and one time he was just plain adorable.Based on THAT deleted scene from Endgame.





	Five times Gerald the alpaca was a menace...

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on [this](https://tonyendgame.tumblr.com/post/186630530007/tony-stark-pepper-avengers-endgame-deleted) wonderful deleted scene from Endgame 
> 
> The introduction of Gerald the alpaca into my life is a gift and I will love him forever, so here is me professing that love via the magic of fanfiction. 
> 
> I'd like to say that I realise that alpacas are generally rather docile and pleasant creatures, but hey, if Tony owns an alpaca you can bet your ass he's gonna be a bit of a character. 
> 
> This is utter madness, written in the space of an hour or two, not meant to be taken seriously, so please enjoy!

**One **

Though it’s been a few weeks since Rhodey has managed to visit Tony at his cabin, he’s not surprised to see that almost nothing has changed. There’s a few more flowers in the flowerbeds and a stretch of ivy curling around the edge of the porch, but nothing else.

Except for one thing. One hairy, odd looking thing that’s standing next to his best friend. A best friend who is staring at him expectantly, waiting for some sort of reaction to…whatever the hell this is.

''Tony…'' Rhodey says slowly, raising one hand to point for emphasis, ''that’s an alpaca.''

Tony’s lips twitch. ''Good to know that your brain’s still sharp enough in your middle age, honey bear.''

He claps the alpaca on the rump firmly. ''This is Gerald,'' he declares proudly. ''Pretty cool, huh?''

''Uh…'' Rhodey fumbles as he watches the alpaca – Gerald – slink off towards the flowerbeds, nose down in interest. ''Cool is not the word I’d use, man. What the hell do you need an alpaca for?''

Tony shrugs. ''To complete the farm aesthetic?''

Rhodey rolls his eyes. ''Tones, owning three hens and growing whatever the hell those berries are does not make this place a farm.'' He sweeps his eyes critically over Tony, earning an affronted glare in return. ''And you sure as hell don’t look like a farmer to me.''

''Listen here, platypus, I’ll have you know that – ''

''Does he always do that?''

Tony turns just in time to see Gerald topple headfirst into one of the flowerbeds, kicking up soil and leaves with his back legs as he goes. He lets out an excited bleat before snatching up some of the flowers, turning to look over his shoulder at the two men. The glint to his eye has Rhodey sniggering.

''Well, he’s certainly taking after you, that’s for sure.''

Tony gives Rhodey a shove before sighing, looking over at Gerald with weary resignation. ''He’s…a work in progress.''

**Two**

''Get – out – of – there – you – gigantic – walking – carpet!''

Tony digs his heels in, pulling as hard on Gerald’s haunches as he can without hurting the idiotic creature, but gets nowhere.

''Daddy!'' Morgan complains from inside her tent over Gerald’s disgruntled whining, ''you’re making him mad.''

''Well then he shouldn’t be in your tent, honey,’’ Tony grunts, shifting his position to get a better grip, ''and then I wouldn’t need to make him mad.''

''He just wants to play.''

''He - can – play – outside,'' Tony gasps as he feels the alpaca start to shift, ''like – a – normal – comeonyoupainintheass – alpaca – who – won’t – eat – your – gaahhhh! – tent!''

The last word comes out in a funny sort of yell as the momentum of his pulling finally extracts Gerald from the tent in a flurry of shuggy fur and grumpy bleating. Tony falls to the floor as Gerald scrambles away, groaning a little as a stick digs unpleasantly into the small of his back.

''He’s not happy with you, Daddy,'' Morgan says sternly, sticking her head out of the tent to look down at Tony. ''He’ll be mad at you for ages now.''

Tony sighs. ''Alpaca’s don’t get mad, Morguna.''

''Gerald does.''

Later on, after Pepper comes into the kitchen to tell Tony that Gerald has eaten all of their goji berries, Tony realises that not only do alpacas in fact get mad, but they also get revenge too.

**Three**

''Tony, I’m telling you, this is ground-breaking stuff,'' Bruce says, leaning in through the front door of the cabin to talk to Tony as he retrieves drinks from the kitchen. ''I’ve got all the data for you, papers, schematics, algorithms, you name it – ''

''Calm down, Jolly Green,'' Tony says with a fond smile, handing Bruce an ice bucket full of orange juice, quirking a teasing eyebrow as Bruce rolls his eyes. ''We aim for peace and maximum chill vibes out here. It’s safe out in the garage for the time being, so how’s about we take a load off and – ''

''Will you just take a look, Tony?'' Bruce asks as they step out onto the porch. ''Please?''

Tony sighs and pats him on one of his large shoulders. ''Sure. Never let it be said Tony Stark doesn’t do his bit for mankind,'' he says drolly before leading the way towards the garage.

''I really think I’m onto something here,’’ Bruce tells him enthusiastically, mumbling an apology as juice sloshes over the side of the bucket when he switches it to just one hand, ''this could really help a lot of people who lost – ''

''Don’t need the gritty details, Banner,'' Tony cuts in as he pushes the garage door open, voice tainted with a hint of hardness, ''just show me the math and – HEY!''

Bruce peers over Tony’s shoulder to see Gerald standing by the workbench in the garage, cheeks bulging and buck teeth poking out from his droopy lips.

Tony jabs a firm finger at the alpaca. ''Drop it.''

Gerald’s eyes narrow and he huffs a gust of breath through his nostrils.

''Drop it!'' Tony barks, his tone deep and no nonsense.

Gerald stands his ground for a moment before finally tilting his neck towards the ground and opening his mouth. A giant congealed ball of wet, soggy paper falls to the floor with a splat.

The two men stare at it in silence for a moment.

''Uh…'' Tony scratches his goatee before patting Bruce on the shoulder again. ''Any chance you made a copy of those?''

As Bruce groans in dismay, Tony looks up at Gerald as he tries to slope away. ''Don’t even think about it, Mister.''

Gerald drops to the floor in a sulky slouch and bleats grumpily, left ear twitching in displeasure.

''You are so grounded,'' Tony whispers loudly.

Gerald snorts at him.

**Four**

Tony sighs in relief as the lukewarm water pours over him, washing away the sweat still lingering from the nightmare he had hysterically awoken from not long ago. Snatches of swirling dust and sticky fingers and desperate cries flicker through his mind intrusively and he gives his head a shake, slapping his cheeks a little roughly in an attempt to banish them.

He reaches for the shower gel, resigning himself to smelling like coconut and shea butter due to the fact he used up all of his own tea tree body wash yesterday, and lathers himself up, sighing again as the familiar scent invades his senses, reminding him instantly of Pepper.

The sound of the shower curtain rustling open has a grin immediately appearing on his face.

''Well, well, Miss Potts,'' he drawls lazily as he turns his soapy face up into the stream of water, ''to what do I owe the pleasure – ''

His words twist into a strangled and undignified yelp of shock as he opens his eyes to look into the shaggy, pointed face peering in at him from the edge of the shower curtain. His yelling makes Gerald’s eyes widen but the alpaca doesn’t move; in fact, the yelling only seems to serve as an invitation because the next thing Tony knows, a long leg is stepping into the tub.

''No no no!'' Tony presses himself against the tiles and extends a foot, pushing his wet toes into the fur at the lower part of Gerald’s neck. ''Don’t even think about it!''

''Tony?'' Pepper’s worried voice comes over the rushing of the shower. ''What’s wro – Oh my god! Tony, how did he - ?!''

''I don’t know!'' Tony shouts back, pushing Gerald with more force as the alpaca tries to bring his other leg forward. ''I’m so shaving you for this, you ridiculous – ''

The curtain pulls back fully to reveal Pepper’s red face. Tony stares at her through the dripping edges of his fringe, leaning against the wall in the most of unflattering of poses, before he points a finger at Gerald.

''I feel violated, Pep,'' he jabbers, fighting the urge to laugh hysterically because at this point, he doesn’t know what else to do, ''all he does is harass me at every turn.''

Pepper glares at him, no sympathy at all in her eyes. ''I told you this would happen.''

Tony’s mouth falls open, taking in a gulp of water. ''Liar! You never said he would STALK me in the shower!''

''I told you he would need training!''

''I did train him!''

''Holding a phone out in front of him with a video of someone claiming to be an alpaca whisperer does NOT count as training him, Tony, for god sake – ''

As their bickering continues and the water grows chilly, a hissing sound captures Gerald’s attention. Turning to the open door, the alpaca’s eyes widen in delight as he spots Morgan waving at him from the hallway. With an excited bleat, he scurries off, ignoring the threats Tony shouts after him.

**Five**

The stand off has been going on for at least four minutes.

Though he won’t admit it, Tony isn’t quite sure what to do. As frustrating and cantankerous as Gerald is, Tony’s never known him to be aggressive or one for attacking people.

But from the way he’s staring at Thor, eyes narrowed, ears bent and snaggle-tooth bared in a goofy grimace, Tony’s wondering if that’s about to change.

Thor, bushy haired and looking all kinds of dishevelled in a stained hoodie and baggy sweatpants, holds his hands up cautiously while his eyes dart nervously to look at Tony.

''What did you say this creature’s name was?''

''Gerald,'' Tony says weakly, stepping back with a bemused frown as Gerald shoves into him, essentially serving as a barrier between the two men. ''Though I’m considering changing it to Idiot.''

''Gerald,'' Thor tries, lowering his voice to a soothing lilt as he carefully extends a hand, ''I won’t hurt you. I’m a friend, you see?''

His hand gets about two inches away from Gerald’s nose before the alpaca bleats loudly at him, making Thor jump back in surprise. Tony tries to move to the side but Gerald follows him, all but leaning into Tony with his full weight.

''I think he’s jealous,'' Pepper calls from the porch, watching the scene unfold with a smirk. ''Or threatened by Thor's beard.''

''Why would a beard be threatening?'' Tony calls back.

''He's never seen anyone with that much hair before!''

''Huh,'' Tony huffs, clicking his tongue in thought. Thor gives him an offended look. ''Oh, knock it off, Point Break, you're about as close to his appearance as a person can get with all that bush you've got going on.''

Gerald grunts loudly, shuffling into Tony again, tilting the man back onto his heels whilst still keeping his eyes trained on a helpless Thor. 

''Oh, _now_ you like me enough to get all protective, huh?'' Tony snorts, giving one of Gerald’s ears a fond pat. He repeats the gesture when Gerald gives a pleased hum, eyes drooping and head dipping to the side to lean into Tony’s shoulder.

Thor, as though sensing an opportunity, steps closer and reaches out a hand, making successful contact with the side of Gerald's neck. Only a split-second passes before Thor is toppling over onto his back, yelling loudly as a furious alpaca launches into him, snagging a chunk of Thor’s beard in his teeth and pulling hard.

It takes Tony at least five minutes to pry them apart. Gerald spends the rest of the evening sitting across Tony’s lap, glaring warningly at Thor as he nurses a cup of tea and holds an ice pack to the bite marks on his face.

**One**

The hour is late and the air is thick with heat. Tony steps out onto the porch and sighs with quiet relief when he spots a familiar figure sitting at the bottom of the stairs. He immediately steps down and lowers himself to sit beside Peter, hooking an arm around the kid’s shoulders and pulling him in close.

''You okay, kiddo?''

Peter nods before shuffling even closer, forehead pressing into the side of Tony’s chin. ''Couldn’t sleep.''

''Bad dream?''

Peter nods again. ''It’s just…weird. Being back, I mean.''

''I know,'' Tony replies, rubbing his fingers up and down the sleeve of Peter’s hoodie. ''It’ll take a while, but you’ll get there. I’ll make sure of it.''

Peter smiles at him, tired but genuine. ''I know.''

They sit in silence for a moment, looking over at the lake where the moonlight dances delicately across the flat surface.

''It helps being here though,'' Peter says quietly, turning to look at Tony again. ''With you.''

They huddle close again in a sideways hug. ''It helps me too, Underoos.''

''Never thought you’d own a farm, though.''

Tony chuckles. ''Yeah, well, there’s something to be said for the simple life. Though Gerald sure likes to make it anything but.''

Peter frowns. ''Who’s Gerald?''

''You’ll find out in the morning, kid,'' Tony says ominously.

''Can’t you just tell me now?''

''No, impatient pup,'' Tony scolds playfully, making Peter whine, ''patience is a virtue that all spider-babies must learn.''

''It’s not something that lives in the lake, is it? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, Mister Stark, that would be so – ''

A short bleat has them both looking up. Gerald lumbers towards them eagerly, ears upright in curious fascination, looking directly at Peter. Tony barely has time to move or issue a warning before the animal drops down onto the ground beside Peter.

''Whoa, whoa, hey, hi there,'' Peter says in quiet delight, lifting his arms up as Gerald shoves his head into Peter’s lap, humming softly. ''Wow…''

Tony stares down at the alpaca in disbelief. So much time putting up with the grizzling and disobedience and what can only be described as a personal vendetta and now here he is, watching as Peter Parker turns the stubbornest of creatures into an overgrown puppy. A very hairy, weird overgrown puppy.

As though Gerald can sense Tony’s thoughts, he turns his large brown eyes over to the man and huffs at him in a way that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. A moment passes between them and Tony softens under a wave of affection.

''He’s kinda adorable,'' Peter giggles gently, scratching Gerald on the back as he nuzzles into the thick material of Peter’s hoodie.

Tony smiles, feeling nothing but the quiet sort of happiness that he knows will linger for long after this moment has passed. ''Yeah,'' he agrees, kissing Peter on the top of his head while reaching over to rub one of Gerald’s soft ears. ''He is.''

**Bonus scene**

''That thing is not getting in this car.''

Tony lifts his sunglasses and pouts at Happy. ''Excuse you, _Harold, _his name is Gerald.''

''I don’t care what his name is, Tony, he’s not getting in. I just had the whole thing cleaned!''

Happy glares pointedly at the mud splattered tyres. ''It’s bad enough you made me drive all the way out here - three hours, Tony, three damn hours - and now you want me to put that _thing_ \- ''

''Would you stop calling him a thing? He’s gonna get a complex,'' Tony says, scratching Gerald behind the ear. ''Ignore the grouchy man, Gerald,'' he coos as the alpaca’s eyes slip shut in delight, ''he’s just complaining ‘cause a certain lady hasn’t responded to his texts today.''

Tony grins teasingly at Happy who turns red in the face and yanks open the door of the limo.

''Fine, but that _thing,'' _he jabs a finger at Gerald who blinks lazily at him, ‘’is gonna be trouble, I’m telling you_.''_

Tony rolls his eyes, waving off his protests, but on the drive home, when Happy catches the animal eyeballing him through the rear view mirror, he knows he’s right.

**Author's Note:**

> In this house, we stan one disgruntled and mischievous alpaca. Tony loves him really <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
